How to avoid a mid-life crisis

We’ve all heard the term mid-life crisis.

Some men use the term ‘existential crisis’ to make it sound less cliché.

You know the stereotypes: expensive sports car, hairpiece or hair transplants, affair with an attractive and much-younger-than-you woman etc etc.

There’s a misconception that the male mid-life crisis is inevitable.

In fact, in a recent survey, 50% of all respondents stated that they believed that all men have one at some point in their life – usually between 40 and 55 years of age.

But the truth is, those clichéd foibles are really just band-aid strategies for much deeper ailments and internal “red flags” that something is off. Something is missing. Something is lost.

And when those red flags are shrugged off that’s when we see the clichés come to life.

But it doesn’t happen overnight.

It always comes after months, years, or even decades of little red flags signaling that something’s gotta change.

The problem is most men IGNORE the warning signs, pretending it’s ok when it’s not.

And like the ostrich who buries his head in the sand, eventually the problems you’re ignoring come back to bite you… HARD.

But when you have the courage to look eye-to-eye at the red flags, you have a chance to fix them, re-align your life, career, marriage, and health proactively, and avoid the ‘crisis’ that so many men fall victim to.

That’s where your power lies: in spotting the symptoms – the red flags – early enough to get the help you need and get back on track before it’s too late.

And if you do it early enough, with the right help, mentorship and direction, things don’t just get back on track…they get better.

So what should you be looking for – the signs – that things need to change:

 

 

1. Loss of purpose or fulfillment

 

 

I speak to guys all the time in their 50s who say they’ve lost a sense of fulfillment in their current career. But when I probe, often they’ve been feeling that way for years, it’s only now that things have become unbearable that they reach out.

What used to be ‘meh’ and going through the motions at work, has now become untenable. It used to be that a change in leadership, change in scope of the role, change in market conditions would fire you up at the opportunity. But now you question “What’s the point? Why bother?”

Maybe you no longer feel like you’re valued at the company – or worse, what you do has no real value in the world. It lacks purpose.

Or maybe while working at home during COVID, with the social aspect of work stripped away and relegated to repetitive zoom calls that you realize that your job just plain sucks…and is sucking the life out of you.

When this starts showing up it’s a red flag. When it’s lasted too long, your soul starts to shrivel.

You fear fading into the background.

You fear your best days are behind you.

You become irritable with those around you out of frustration from your own lack of happiness.

You start looking for shiny things around you to escape from your misery.

 

 

2. Loss of identity

 

 

Loss of a marriage, loss of a dearly loved family member. Loss of a job or position you had worked so hard to get or had dedicated so much of your life to.

Or maybe you’ve finally made the decision to make that leap in your career and do a massive pivot…only you’re afraid to make the leap…and so you’re stuck in no man’s land.

Whatever the reason, when a man loses his identity it can be absolutely cataclysmic to his career, his direction in life, and sense of who he is.

You become rudderless. A ship drifting in the night without a destination or engine to get there.

You avoid social gatherings lest someone asks the dreaded question ‘what do you do?’

It’s made even worse if you have a spouse who is ambitious and successful. It only highlights how much you’re not right now.

And it makes you wonder if you’ll ever find your way again.

So you retreat from the world. From your old friends, associates, colleagues, and even your family. You don’t want anyone to see you this way: not whole.

But when you aren’t able to reclaim the “new you” fast enough you end up filling that void with anything that gives short-term gratification: food, Netflix, alcohol, “boys toys”.

You end up over-compensating with a fancy car, new cottage, or expensive vacation and retreats (maybe even trying Ayahuasca) – things to keep up with the Jones’ or trying to search for yourself – meanwhile putting yourself in financial ruin or wasting time waiting for the answers to magically arrive.

 

 

3. Loss of confidence

 

 

You were once on the fast-paced climb up the corporate ladder or your business was on the fast-track to success. But somewhere along the way life threw you a curveball…or a series of setbacks.

A failed business, a series of short-lived roles or lateral moves, a wife that left you or had an affair. A ‘sure-thing’ investment that went bad and set you – and maybe your retirement plans – back 10 years. A bad boss or series of bosses.

You recognize that you’re the common denominator and it’s kicked your confidence where it counts.

Yet that might not be how it first appeared.

Maybe it was the first time you started second-guessing decisions at work. Or making a decision started taking longer than it used to – you used to be the ‘go-to’ guy in a pinch and one day the right answers didn’t come to you as quickly.

Or you noticed you weren’t speaking up as much in meetings. Or you just weren’t ‘on the ball’ like you once were.

That’s how it starts.

But after a while, it becomes the norm.

You’re no longer the reliable man for your boss or colleagues.

Your team and those that report to you start leap-frogging you for major decisions and go straight to your boss.

Your wife starts losing trust in you as the leader at home. She starts nagging or just stepping in and taking more responsibility around the house – and the stress that comes with it – because she can’t depend on you to do it.

You start to feel undermined at every turn. But the truth is, you lost your edge. You know it and the people around you know it.

And so now, years after the first red flags began, you now operate with overly-cautious, over-analyzing hesitation and fear.

Fear of making the wrong decision.

Fear of never getting back that edge you used to have.

Fear you’re running out of time and you’ll never reach your full potential.

You start to shrink from responsibility. From opportunities. From more potential failures.

Until you can’t tolerate the shrinking any longer.

We’ve all had little red flags show up in our lives. But when they’ve been there for years and they’re starting to catch up with you:

• the frustration that’s boiling to the top every day because you’re not where you should be by now;
• beginning to resign yourself to the fact that this might be all there is;
• feeling adrift and rudderless; at a crossroads and not sure what to do;
• you’ve lost your confidence and starting to self-doubt yourself;
• or, you’ve lost your motivation to go after those ambitious goals you once had.

It’s time to take action or things are only going to get worse. Worse for you, your career, your health, your family, and your financial future.