The five stages of rock bottom

I talk to men every day, who say they’re in a rut.

They’ve lost their confidence through a series of bad bosses, job losses, bad circumstances or a broken relationship.

Their career has been in neutral for years.

Or, to the outside world it appears they have everything but in reality they’re silently suffering and no one around them knows because they’re still ‘keeping up with the Jones’.

And whether they would describe it this way or not, they’re in one stage or another of heading to rock bottom.

From coaching so many of these men, and learning the patterns, I’ve distilled Rock Bottom into 5 stages.

 

Stage 1: Lost Satisfaction or Sense of Fulfillment

 

Although this is the first stage, it can happen at any point, whether you are in your mid-30s or mid-50s. This stage is characterized by a lack of fulfillment or a general sense of dissatisfaction in your career.

You feel like you’re not making what you’re worth, you’re not advancing or making progress in business at the rate you want or expect. You’re being over-looked, under-valued, or the right opportunities aren’t coming your way.

Or, you just don’t feel like you are aligned to your true passions. Your work doesn’t fulfill you and your real strengths, interests and talents aren’t being optimized.

Left too long in this stage you start to lose interest in work or become frustrated, angry and resentful at the people around you that are succeeding and getting further ahead.

 

Stage 2: Lost Interest or Drive

 

When Stage 1 becomes unbearable, men react in one of two ways:

You either start mailing it in; going through the motions just to collect a pay check, knowing you are capable of so much more, but afraid of rocking the boat or the great unknown of a new company or new career.

You become complacent.

This stage sucks. You feel like a thoroughbred chained to the stables or like you have a Ferrari engine trapped inside a Pinto.

Despite your talent and desire for more, you start to show signs of apathy and unwillingness to take responsibility for your situation.

OR

You can’t control your frustration and anger. It gets triggered by everything and everyone around you: incompetent colleagues, irrational bosses; or you manage to keep it cool at work only to bring the stress and aggravation home: your wife or kids end up walking on egg shells wondering when the next hair trigger explosion is going to happen.

Things feel out of control and like you’ve hit rock bottom….

 

Stage 3: Lost Job or Business (or Marriage)

 

Left too long to linger in Stage 2, life becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This is when shit really hits the fan.

That lack of drive or lack of emotional control leads to a career-limiting move (or, for some, even worse: a marriage-limiting move).

The company goes through a ‘re-structuring’ and that lack of value you’ve been providing finally catches up with you and your role is eliminated.

Your wife finally has enough of your temper and negative attitude or is fed up with you not providing the way you promised and the stress is too much. It’s heartbreaking to know you should have changed your ways earlier but the damage is done. She wants a divorce.

Whatever you felt before, you now feel like you’ve really hit rock bottom.

 

Stage 4: Lost Hope

 

Without a plan – real clarity – and the confidence and mindset to bounce back from such adversity, men can linger in a phase of lost hope for years…sometimes decades.

I’ve spoken to men whose divorce left them rudderless for 20 years.

Men who never fully recover from their first layoff or business failure and spend the next 10 years job hopping from one ‘ok’ job to another. Their confidence and self-esteem shot, they end up settling for lateral roles or worse, jobs well below their abilities and experience, just to pay the bills.

In this stage, you become reactive, taking whatever comes your way. You don’t have a plan, you’re in survival mode. You feel rudderless and left too long become hopeless that things will ever change.

Depression sets in. If you’re still married, this is when your wife starts to really worry that her man won’t ever be the man she once knew. She’s taken on the burden of managing the finances and running the house because she can’t rely on you to get it done. You drift apart and become roommates and ‘co-parents’ to the kids. A passionless, sex-less existence that would have once been unbearable, but now just seems ‘the way it is’.

You tell yourself it’s not so bad, in a weak attempt to numb the pain. But you know your soul is dying.

You look for other examples of couples who are struggling or other guys who can’t seem to get or keep a job just so you can justify your situation and tell yourself that this is ‘normal’.

But you know it’s not.

Every day you ask yourself ‘is this all there is?’

This is rock bottom, you tell yourself.

 

Stage 5: Desperation

 

This is where you realize no one is going to rescue you. You’ve got to make changes. You’re sick and tired of being sick and tired.

This is when you really have hit rock bottom.

You’ve been knocked back so far it’s hard to believe that things can get better. But you know they must.

It’s humbling and humiliating.

Options become narrow but you know that there must be a way. It’s time to get resourceful and creative.

It’s time to ask for help. You only wish you had asked for help sooner.